Apologies

I am horrified to report that an apology from NUX has still not been received. This is one of the most unprofessional newspapers I have ever dealt with. They should be good enough toprint an apology for implying that I am female when I am as male as Brad Pitt, even more so because I don't do children! All I was asking for was a little common decency, but as of yet it has not surfaced. I will keep you all posted on the developments once I have consulted with my lawyer. And for all you NUXy people out there be afraid because I know shit-loads!!

But anyway, life besides the traumatisation of NUX has been relativley wonderful at the moment. My only complaint is that while it was pouring last night from that awesome storm we had those stupid humans did the dumbest, stupidest, idiotic (you get the picture) thing ever!! After the thunder I knew that I had to take up my guard cat position under the dining room sideboard just in case any strays tried to take shelter in my house. I mean we can't have hobos roaming my kingdom. Anyway, I was running past the fridge keeping low, in typical espionage fashion I saw that that stupid filthy beast of a dog was taking shelter in the kitchen.

Just because he's not a proper MAN (NUX pay attention here) and is scared of a little thunder, hiding between the deep freeze and the fridge, does not mean that he should be allowed in my kitchen. Put him in the garage where he belongs.... OUTSIDE!!!! Why is it that no-one can accept that it's my house and I decide who gets to come in and go out. Speaking of which I need to lay down the law with those damn humans........ No leaving til I am fed, groomed, and placed on my pillow dammit!!!

A Response to Q

I was thrilled recently to hear that my life's ramblings were going to be broadcast to millions... well hundreds of students... in the Blog review section of NUX. However, I was disgusted and horrified at the journalistic lies!! Firstly, I would like to put the record straight; I am not female I am a manly male cat who likes wearing a tiara... ok? Q needs to print an apology in at least the next 3 issues highlighting points as to why I am the manliest beast she has ever heard of and let the world know what happens to incompetant journalists who print incorrect facts.

Secondly, everything you read in my amazing and PERFECT blog is true. Nothing is fabricated or imagined. That is what makes it so spectacular because it is my real-life adventures... duh... what would be the point of fabricating nonsense. I'm not a lawyer for God's sake, I don't lie or cheat! And lastly, how dare anyone say that "originality is not [my] forte" and that I am anti-social. I am very original, how many other cats do you see writing a blog may I ask you? And why on earth would I direct you away from my wonderful insight to somebody else's drivel? It is obvious to see that Q has issues about her own blog and feels the need to criticise mine. Just because I have legions of fans is no reason to get jealous. I'm sure you will get there eventually if you just tried a little harder and learnt to pull off the tiara look

I Piss on You and Your New Smell

So first off I wanted to let you all know that the purple jogging suit seems to have been forgotten and I can get on with my life without worrying about being jumped and harnessed to a treadmill. But this past weekend I've had to assert my authority in the most drastic way. Now I'm not one who likes to get up especially early... ever! But this weekend I was forced off my bed when that annoying girl who sleeps underneath me, God only knows why, got up at the crack of dawn mumbling something about saving the animals. I honestly didn't pay much attention cause she normally mumbles incoherent crap when she first wakes up so didn't think that this was any different. And I'm happy to say she buggered off pretty quickly so I could stretch out and really enjoy my bed.

But oh my word, did I pay for it when she got home. She comes in and in typical fashion swung me upside down cradling me like a baby... I know it seems silly but I like being babied ok? Deal with it!! Anyway as I was saying, she picked me up and this awful stench enveloped me... It smelt like the lowest of the low and poorest of the poor animals. Eeeew!!!!! Low class beggars! I'm sorry but I couldn't let this stink take over my home. I mean what would the neighbours think if they knew she was fraternizing with the poor? So I did what any self-respecting cat would do... I pissed on her clothes. That way no-one will know and my gorgeousness with be extended into the air.

And you know how the bitch repaid me? By smacking me round the ears and locking me out of my room!! Now this means war. If you think you gonna get away with bringing in the scent of the poor into my home and then punish me for trying to maintain my status you got another thing coming. My revenge will be sweet mwah ha ha ha!!!

Inhumane and Cruel

Ok, so it's been ages since I last wrote. But seriously, what do you retards think? That I'm at your beck and call for your amusement? I'm a cat for God's sake, not a drooling mind-dead dog!! But I know that my legions of fans have been calling for my return, so here I am.

I have to say that yesterday I was highly unimpressed when I overheard those strange people talking about me. Actually, unimpressed doesn't quite cover it. I was scared shitless after what I heard. Ok, I'm the first to admit that maybe I have picked up a little weight over the holiday season. But seriously who hasn't? I mean with all that wonderful turkey, ham...Mmmm... hammm......

Sorry, what was I saying? Oh yes, so I'm a little heavier. But you have to understand that I've always been big. I'm muscular. But now I overhear people talking about buying me a kitty treadmill to work off some of the kilos. What the hell? A kitty treadmill? What moron dreamt up that idea? Or should I say sadist?

I can only imagine what it would be like... And like I said I'm scared shitless! And then to add insult to injury I heard the most terrifying phrase: PURPLE JOGGING SUIT. Who are these people? Surely this is inhumane and cruel. I know I can't jump quite as high as I used to, but that doesn't mean I'm too fat. I'm just getting old... 4 is old for a cat! And 8kgs isn't that heavy.

Oh my gosh I think a just saw something purple in a plastic bag. Gotta get into my cupboard. Will keep you all posted though

Not much News

Well, my life seems to have returned to the normal hum-drum of normality. No more staring at walls and no more being ignored. I have finally been shown respect and have taken my place once again as the lord of the household.

My only one problem that I have had lately is that people keep trying to give me this disgusting liver coloured moosh. I know all the other cats enjoy it but really it's really a little below me. I mean what cat in their right mind would stoop to begging to a bit of moosh. I just sit on my cupboard and watch the others howl and plea for just a bit more. They tried to give me some and I got such a fright at the thought of actually eating some that I ran a mile and hid until it had been put away back in the fridge. Eeeew.... Imagine if I had gotten any on my fur. I would have had to lick it off and eeeew.... The thought is just to much... I must go and rest now to try forget the trauma that almost happened.

Someone shaved me again

Well, life isn't so bad anymore. I made the effort to be nice to everyone and took the time to come down and visit. Everyone seemed happy to see me and even offered me yummy cheese sauce and chicken filo pastry. Let me tell you that I felt like a king and I no longer feel it's necessary to sit staring at a blank wall.

But my only concern is that I seem to have lost more fur. I just don't know what is happening. I go out to visit my building friends get all distracted and when I come to my fur has disappeared. Maybe they are not my friends after all :( I think I'm just going to stay at home for a few days to see what happens.

Other than this I don't really have anymore interesting news except for my boating incident this morning. I couldn't believe it, I found an empty boat just sitting on the floor. So I jump in but then got yelled at to get out cause I would damage it. I mean really, how would I damage an inflatable raft? I'm weigh almost nothing and have very blunt claws cause I never use them. People!... Who can figure them out?

My Depression

Recently I have been feeling very neglected since no-one is ever at home anymore. No-one loves me so I have taken a place of dishonour sleeping up on the kitchen grocery cupboard. I sit there facing the wall because I don't deserve to survey my kingdom anymore. Now I spend my days up in my cupboard sleeping in a basket and my nights sitting staring at a wall.

I just can't understand why no-one is around while I'm down from my cupboard home to pet me. I have obviously done something wrong. In fact I was getting so desperate for attention that I went to visit the builders next door for some attention. I remember things getting a bit smoky while I was visiting, but I can't remember leaving there and when I woke up half the fur on my belly was gone. In fact, the fur near my tail has gotten considerably thinner as well.

I have to wonder if they might have tried to shave me in my moment of smoky weakness. Why does the world hate me so...... People are not around when I want to play and those that I find to play with try to shave me. I mean do you know how silly I would look without my fur. I mean my fur gives me my size. Without it I'm only a tiny 2kg cat but with it I'm a giant 20kg monster.

Maybe if I gave other people more of my time and stopped trying to get them to revolve around my schedule they might give me more attention. But why should I make the effort. Ok so they work, but so do I. Sleeping for 16hours a day isn't easy. I mean I even have to get up to eat dinner in the kitchen. No-one even has the decency to bring me my bowl in bed. What kind of world am I living in where a cat has to make the effort for attention and to get a decent comfy meal. My mother never has to put up with this I mean she gets KFC mash and gravy served to her while she's sleeping on a pillow. Ok, granted she came down to get it, but am I really expected to do all the work?