I Piss on You and Your New Smell

So first off I wanted to let you all know that the purple jogging suit seems to have been forgotten and I can get on with my life without worrying about being jumped and harnessed to a treadmill. But this past weekend I've had to assert my authority in the most drastic way. Now I'm not one who likes to get up especially early... ever! But this weekend I was forced off my bed when that annoying girl who sleeps underneath me, God only knows why, got up at the crack of dawn mumbling something about saving the animals. I honestly didn't pay much attention cause she normally mumbles incoherent crap when she first wakes up so didn't think that this was any different. And I'm happy to say she buggered off pretty quickly so I could stretch out and really enjoy my bed.

But oh my word, did I pay for it when she got home. She comes in and in typical fashion swung me upside down cradling me like a baby... I know it seems silly but I like being babied ok? Deal with it!! Anyway as I was saying, she picked me up and this awful stench enveloped me... It smelt like the lowest of the low and poorest of the poor animals. Eeeew!!!!! Low class beggars! I'm sorry but I couldn't let this stink take over my home. I mean what would the neighbours think if they knew she was fraternizing with the poor? So I did what any self-respecting cat would do... I pissed on her clothes. That way no-one will know and my gorgeousness with be extended into the air.

And you know how the bitch repaid me? By smacking me round the ears and locking me out of my room!! Now this means war. If you think you gonna get away with bringing in the scent of the poor into my home and then punish me for trying to maintain my status you got another thing coming. My revenge will be sweet mwah ha ha ha!!!

Inhumane and Cruel

Ok, so it's been ages since I last wrote. But seriously, what do you retards think? That I'm at your beck and call for your amusement? I'm a cat for God's sake, not a drooling mind-dead dog!! But I know that my legions of fans have been calling for my return, so here I am.

I have to say that yesterday I was highly unimpressed when I overheard those strange people talking about me. Actually, unimpressed doesn't quite cover it. I was scared shitless after what I heard. Ok, I'm the first to admit that maybe I have picked up a little weight over the holiday season. But seriously who hasn't? I mean with all that wonderful turkey, ham...Mmmm... hammm......

Sorry, what was I saying? Oh yes, so I'm a little heavier. But you have to understand that I've always been big. I'm muscular. But now I overhear people talking about buying me a kitty treadmill to work off some of the kilos. What the hell? A kitty treadmill? What moron dreamt up that idea? Or should I say sadist?

I can only imagine what it would be like... And like I said I'm scared shitless! And then to add insult to injury I heard the most terrifying phrase: PURPLE JOGGING SUIT. Who are these people? Surely this is inhumane and cruel. I know I can't jump quite as high as I used to, but that doesn't mean I'm too fat. I'm just getting old... 4 is old for a cat! And 8kgs isn't that heavy.

Oh my gosh I think a just saw something purple in a plastic bag. Gotta get into my cupboard. Will keep you all posted though